


What Christmas is About

by TwittyTelly



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas is hard, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Fluff, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sad with a Happy Ending, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:35:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21901075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwittyTelly/pseuds/TwittyTelly
Summary: Bucky is looking forward to celebrating Christmas for the first time in nearly eighty years, but you have some reservations.
Relationships: Bucky Barnes x Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	What Christmas is About

**Author's Note:**

> This is my submission to the Captain America Countdown to Christmas Challenge/Celebration. My prompt is “Christmas is for Children”.This is my first time writing for Bucky and this is also Endgame compliant - but I have ignored everything the Russos, Markus and McFeely have ever said and gone with my head canon. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas or whatever you celebrate, and to those that find this time of year hard – I feel ya!

“So what are your usual plans for Christmas?” Bucky asked with excited trepidation.

“Nothing,” You huffed. “Christmas is for children.”

Bucky nearly dropped his phone into his pumpkin-spiced latte. Granted you and Bucky hadn't known each other for very long, but he hadn't put you down as a Scrooge. It was barely October and you already had your couple's costume locked down (you were going to rock The Stark's Halloween Bash as Gomez and Morticia Addams thank you very much).

“Bu-”

“I just find it anti-climatic.” You noted, giving Bucky a stern look indicating that the conversation was over. You picked up your phone and started browsing, ignoring the slight awkwardness that had fallen over your table.

Watching the crisp auburn leaves as they danced in the breeze, Bucky did his best to hide his disappointment. Truth be told he was really looking forward to spending the most wonderful time of the year with you.

Bucky had always loved Christmas. While they were never lavish affairs back at the Barnes' household in Brooklyn, Bucky loved spending time with his family as they all enjoyed their family festive traditions and when Steve lost his mother, the Barnes' had opened up their arms and hearts and incorporated some of the Rogers' traditions with their own. That had all changed when the war dragged Steve and Bucky to Europe. But even then they had come up with their own traditions with the rest of the Howling Commandos. Hydra were capable of many monstrosities, but they could not stop Bucky celebrating Christmas.

But then they did.

If Bucky was ever asked what was the strangest thing he ever saw as the Winter Solider it would probably be a small Christmas tree on a desk in a Hydra base. Creating a new world order didn't seem to go hand in hand with Christmas, but Bucky knew many men who would commit atrocities as their 9-5, then go home to play the role of the loving husband and father. Home life must've sometimes bled into work life.

Freedom didn't grant Bucky with another opportunity to enjoy Christmas as he was either under the ice in Wakanda or 'blipped', whatever that meant. When Bucky had first met you back under the springtime blossom, everything Steve had ever said about the right partner had made sense and Bucky couldn't help but look forward to creating new traditions with you.

Bucky knew you were holding back and desperately wanted to know more. But Bucky knew how hard it was to talk about the past and one of the things he loved about you was how patient you were with him, how you allowed him to open up to you on his own terms. Giving you a reassuring smile, Bucky knew that he had to extend the same courtesy to you.

-

Halloween had come and gone, where you had tried to distract Bucky from loosing the costume contest to Morgan and Happy by making preparations for a large Thanksgiving Dinner. You had invited everyone who would be staying behind in the recently reinstated Avengers Tower and you were planning to host an event that would make Monica Geller jealous. Although deep down you had an ulterior motive. By going all-out for Thanksgiving, you were hoping that no one would bother you about Christmas.

On the day itself, when Pepper helped you prepare the not-so-modest feast you learned that Steve would be spending Christmas with the Starks, (well, Morgan had become Steve's surrogate granddaughter), you hoped that the invitation would be extended to Bucky. Neither of you had broached the subject of Christmas since that afternoon in the coffee shop some weeks ago, and you were hoping that it would stay that way. For years you had managed to get away with avoiding Christmas without getting noticed; though you had conceded that you would now have to buy a few presents. Thankfully, thanks to the internet, you could do that from the comfort of your own bed out of earshot from Michael Bublé and his dulcet tones.

Well, your wish came true. As you loaded up the dishwasher for the thousandth time, you overheard Steve bring up Christmas with Bucky. But to your disappointment, Bucky did not jump at the chance to spend Christmas with his childhood friend.

“I need to see what Y/N is doing first.”

A lump formed in your throat as you knew that the conversation you were dreading was coming.

-

Funnily enough the subject was brought up at the same coffee house at the exact same table. Only now the trees outside were bare and the syrup had been changed to gingerbread. Nervously Bucky reached across the table and took your hands in his.

“Sweetheart, I know you don't want to talk about it. But Pepper's invited us over to hers for Christmas and it's gonna be rude if I don't give her an answer soon.”

“You're right, I don't want to talk about it. Go spend it with Pepper, Steve and the others.”

“But what about-”

“I'll be fine Bucky” you snapped, hoping that he would drop it like he did last time, but you weren't expecting him to look at you like a kicked puppy.

“But I want to spend it with you.”

“Not unless you want to have a miserable time you don't.”

“Y/N, I want to know why you feel this way” Bucky practically begged, tears forming in his perfect grey-blue eyes. Guilt washed over you, but it was too late, the wall had been fully erected.

“Bucky I said that I didn't want to talk about it.” Before you could give him a chance to react, you yanked your hands from his, grabbed your bag and stormed out of the coffee shop; leaving Bucky stunned and alone at the table.

-

Bucky paid as much attention to the darkness blanketing his apartment as the TV show he was watching, his mind racing. He wanted to understand why you felt the way you did, but he didn't want to risk pushing you further away from him; you were the best thing to happen to him in decades.

A sharp knock at the door pulled Bucky from his thoughts, a knock only he would recognise. Jumping from his seat on the sofa, he practically sprinted to the door and almost wrenched it off it's hinges praying that his mind wasn't playing tricks again. His insides somersaulted as his eyes were met by yours and his heart broke as he registered how red and puffy they were.

“I'm an idiot..” you both said to each other in unison, before you both burst into laughter. Any lingering tension was now well and truly shattered. Bucky motioned for you to come in as he headed towards the kettle, knowing that you would need a strong cup of tea to help you get through the impending discussion.

Bucky took his place next to you on the sofa, handing you your warm steaming mug of liquid courage.

“Look sweetheart, the last thing I want to do is to pressure you into something you don't want to do,” Bucky started as his flesh hand reached for your leg. “If you don't want to do Christmas, we can ignore it together or if you'd prefer to be alone I'll go with Steve's to Pepper's. I just ask that one day you'll tell me why you feel the way you do.”

Taking a sip from your tea, you temporarily broke your eye contact with Bucky as you watched his hand trace shapes on your thigh. Taking a deep breath your eye's reconnecting with Bucky's. The time for stalling was over.

“You remember when I told you what happened to my mum?” Bucky nodded, not wanting to interrupt your flow. “Well she first got sick around Christmas time, and by the time the next Christmas came around she was gone. It has always felt weird celebrating Christmas and marking our old traditions without her. And everyone always seem so happy and I feel like I'm doing something wrong for being a bit sad.” You paused as you tried to fight back the tears that were beginning to form. Bucky, pulled you into his arms, silently comforting you by rubbing your back. You leaned into him and found the strength to continue.

“When I fist moved to New York I decided that it wouldn't be worth celebrating Christmas without everyone back home and I was able to slip under the radar. And when the blip happened, everyone was too dazed and traumatised to even think about Christmas. I was dreading this year as everyone was celebrating getting their loved ones back reminded me of what I've lost. But after I stormed off earlier, I thought about what you've been through and what everyone in that tower lost bringing everyone back and I feel so stupid and sel-”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Bucky interrupted. “Everyone is dealing with their own shit and while some people go through more shit than others, it doesn't diminish what you went through and how you feel.” Bucky took your now empty mug from your hands and hugged you.

“I know, but I was so wrapped up in my own isolation, I forgot.” Breaking off the hug, you started fiddling with Bucky's shoulder length locks. “I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. I would honestly love to spend Christmas with you and the others. But I can't guarantee that I'll be merry all day.”

“That's fine Doll, I don't think any of us can. But I promise that if it gets too much for you we can leave.” For the first time since the coffee shop a smile stretched across your face as thought how lucky you were to have someone so understanding in your life. Crossing the space between you, you showed Bucky how grateful you were by pressing your lips against his.

-

The weather grew colder and New York became coated in a layer of white and before you knew it it was Christmas Day. You decided that rather than to force yourself to enjoy the day, it would be better to just allow yourself to feel what you needed to feel and it felt like a weight had been lifted off you.

After a quiet morning of opening presents in bed with Bucky, the pair of you made it to Pepper's lakeside home and you volunteered to help Pepper prepare dinner. As the pair of you chopped vegetables the pair of you talked about how hard you both found the holidays. However, just as you were about to start serving up you were stopped by Pepper, who asked everyone to join her outside.

After everyone bundled themselves in their coats and scarves, Pepper led everyone to the lake, where at the end of the jetty were a number of wreaths.

“I thought we would remember those who can't be with us today by casting these afloat-”

“Like we did at Daddy's funeral Mummy?” Morgan asked.

Pepper bent down to meet her daughter's eye level. “Just like that Morgoona,” Pepper placed a delicate kiss on the young Stark's forehead before straightening up and starting handing out wreaths. You were so enraptured by watching Bucky help Steve with his wreath for Peggy, that you almost dropped the wreath that was placed into your hands. Looking down you felt your eyes well up, as you read your mother's name on the card. You looked up to see Pepper giving you a reassuring smile.

“Thank you” you whispered making your way to the end of the jetty, where Bucky and Steve were making their way back inside. Bucky put his metal hand on your shoulder

“Are you gonna be okay Darlin'?” You gave him a small smile and nodded.

-

The rest of the day seemed to go by in a blur. After everyone ate more food than was believed to be humanly possible, you joined everyone in the living room. Chatting with Pepper while nursing a glass of wine, you watched the scene unfold before you. Morgan had roped Happy into playing Frozen with him for the hundredth time that day; on the sofa on the other side of the room Steve and Bucky were reminiscing about their life in Brooklyn; while in the middle of the room sat Sam, arguing with an instruction manual as he had somehow been given the task of assembling Morgan's doll house.

“That's who you thought worthy of entrusting the shield to?!” Bucky loudly exclaimed to the room. As everyone else erupted into laughter, you saw Sam give Bucky the coldest of death-stares. When the laughter died down, you noticed that your smile was staying on your face. Despite everything, you were enjoying yourself. _This is what Christmas is all about_


End file.
